The musings of two dudes who have absorbed too much pop culture for their own good and just don't care anymore. Decency? Not here. Respect? Out the window. Finding out what happens when cereal mascots turn to mass murder? Oh, yes — Time To Tell Tales of The Unaccountable.
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Pulp Commentary - JASON X

In this edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys unfreeze themselves in the far flung spaced out future of 2002 -- which looks suspiciously like the late 90s aesthetically, but neither here nor there. In this STRANGE future time, we know not what terrifying cheapness awaits us around the same corner being re-used over and over! But the most alarming aspect of this time-space, is that all the calendars are stuck on one single solitary date... FRIDAY THE 13TH. And that means only one thing: even in the future we can't escape podcasting obligations! Without any 80s sexyness to save us, surrounded by annoying early 2000s character types featuring the cast of Andromeda, AND the faint pounding vocals of "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" inching ever closer... we have no choice but to let the NANO MACHINES turn us Uber! So, we can record this UBERCOMMENTARY for JASON X. It's okay, guys, he just wants his machete back.

Re-enter the atmosphere and die HISTORIC like Jason, by downloading the commentary here.



Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/
iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr

Pulp Commentary - A Christmas Story

In this edition of Pulp Commentary, it 'twas the night before Pulpmas, and all Mike could think was how David Cronenberg's The Fly nearly drove him to drink! It's that special time of year again, as the boys audibly roast chestnuts on an open fire and talk about the true spirit of the season: discussing both the heartwarming and horrific Christmas gifts of the past while watching the 1983 classic A CHRISTMAS STORY. Does a legless Beast still have genitalia? How did Spider-Man save one future host's Christmas while damning another? When does one idle joke manage to create the single greatest alternate universe of all time? And will Mike, MB, or James ever actually talk about the movie they're watching? Santa knows, but he's not telling. Not while it's still Nuclear Winter.

Shoot your eye out as much as you'd like by downloading the commentary here!



Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/
Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr

Pulp Commentary - Stephen King's IT

In this edition of Pulp Commentary, we are IN the Deadlights now! 30 years later, the boys of Pulp Nightmare are returning to their childhood town to finish what they started when they were but children of the 90s! Carrying a bucket of battery acid and a belief in the tooth fairy (and some trusty anti-clown gear they had laying around), they head into the caverns of Maine with only one purpose... record the longest commentary of their lives. Oh, and you're coming with us! So, arm yourselves with imagination slingshots, avoid Belch wielding greasers, and yell "HI-HO SILVER, AWAY!" Because we are ALL floating tonight, baby! We're FINALLY watching the TV movie event of the 90s... STEPHEN KING'S... IT. It's like it was always meant to be a Pulp Commentary.

You'll be wise, very wise indeed, by downloading IT right here!



Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PulpNightmare/
Itunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pulp-nightmare/id426879674
Stitcher: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=33510&refid=stpr

PULPWATCH 1994: American Crime Story: The People V. O.J. Simpson Ep4

"Lesbian sex, 197!"

The Trial of the Century begins - slowly and shallowly - as Pulp Nightmare sits through yet another trying chapter of America's sleaziest show currently on television, AMERICAN CRIME STORY: THE PEOPLE V OJ SIMPSON. And this one's full of everything the boys have grown to hate, from camera work that induces outright nausea to the frustrating lack of anyone involved with the show doing what Johnnie Cochran asks: Choosing a side! But before we're all treated to dark, tan, and Hawaiian Travolta, hear the live reactions to such oddities as O.J. Simpson's memory palace, Marcia Clark's refusal to ever be competent, the most surprisingly overacted outburst yet, and the continued racism of Mark Waid from Earth 2. Juice, you gotta help us... We don't think we can sit through this one too much longer.

Escape the murderous gloved claws of OJ by downloading the episode here!

PULPWATCH 1994: American Crime Story: The People V. O.J. Simpson Ep2

"Everything Is Terrible!" - A.C. Cowlings

The Juice Is Loose! And going about 20 miles per hour. For the second installment of the critically acclaimed drama (seriously?) that details the fall of one of the bit players from the Naked Gun movies, the boys of Pulp Nightmare are digging deep and searching for answers where the early 1990's Los Angeles Police Department wouldn't. Like what Kato Kalelin is even doing here when he's clearly confused, how Robert Shapiro's super villain schemes extend to menacing the X-Men, when did David Schwimmer manage to get steady work playing an Armenian, whether or not Theo Huxtable ever managed to stop for food, and why, oh why is there just so much goddamn pizza? It's The Bronco-Heavy Episode 2 of American Crime Story: The People V. OJ Simpson, "The Run Of His Life". Listen all y'all, it's a sabotage.

Escape the murderous claws of OJ by downloading the episode here!

Pulp Commentary - STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI (original theatrical)

A Long Time Ago On a Podcast Far, Far, Away...

Everything has transpired as they have foreseen it. Having harnessed their podcasting skills through the power of the Force, Mike, MB, and Hero have become Jedi Knights like their fathers before them, launching Pulp Commentary on one final adventure; at first bringing them face-to-face with the most villainous slug in the galaxy, bearing witness to the sheer humanity of one Rancor trainer, and pulling off the most ludicrous stunts since Boba Fett's dive into the Sarlaac Pit. 

But now, they face the full power of a fully armed and fully operational battle station! So many questions remain unanswered as they journey into the final piece of the original trilogy, STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI! 

Will Mike ever admit his true feelings to that sister he doesn't have? Will MB finally be able to come to terms with being more machine than man now? And will Hero be able to narrowly escape certain death when he's told, in no uncertain terms that... IT'S A TRAP?! Find out, but prepare for Ewoks! For the love of God, prepare for Ewoks!

Use the Force to download the commentary, right here.

Pulp Commentary - STAR WARS EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (original theatrical)

A Long Time Ago On a Podcast Far, Far, Away...

It is a dark time for Pulp Commentary. Like something out of a dream, the Pulp Podcasters make their return to that galaxy torn asunder by civil war and Interplanetary Nazis! While huffing the warm organ steam of a dead cosmic camel, they trip out and start taking orders from a weird apparition, setting them on course for The Dagobah System!

Join the Rebel allies Mike, MB, and Hero once again as they begin their adventure mauled by an abominable snowman, trudge through swamp planets in a vain attempt to lift spaceships with their mind, barely escape from a cave that is definitely no cave, and find themselves entertained by the company of... Space Billy Dee Williams? This deal is getting worse all the time!

The force is with young Pulp Commentary, but they are not Jedi yet... not until they sit down to watch part 2 of the epic trilogy, STAR WARS EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. They're not afraid, but they will be. They... will be...

Use the Force to download the commentary, right here.

Pulp Commentary - STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE (original theatrical)

A Long Time Ago On a Podcast Far, Far, Away...

Three humanoids (Mike, MB, and Hero) are under fire aboard a Rebel ship carrying the long-lost data plans for the theatrical cuts of the original STAR WARS trilogy. 

Narrowly escaping the clutches of a dark lord who found their lack of faith disturbing, the ragtag group find themselves up to their necks in sand people before running afoul of a crazy old wizard who teaches them the ways of The Force. Ending up on a ship piloted by a scruffy-looking nerf herder and his walking carpet of a co-pilot, our heroes discover that is, in fact, no moon. 

The circle is now complete as Pulp Commentary ventures into a special event, inexplicably left in charge of a fleet of X-Wings while watching the first part of the epic trilogy, STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE. They've just taken their first step into a much larger world...

Use the Force to download the commentary, right here.

Pulp Commentary - Friday The 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan

In this edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys climb aboard a cruise ship, their destination: The Big Apple. But something is amiss... something is wrong. To the left of them... 80s stereotypes. To the right... more 80s stereotypes. With a drop in their gut, they rush to a nearby calendar. Yes, it's what they feared. Once again, the evilest of dates have come around. As the ship sets sail before they have a chance to get away, they can only grab some hockey masks of their own and join in on the fun. Say Bon Voyage, folks, because we're sailing to HELL, AKA New York, New York, and the in-cruise movie you're joining us to watch is: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN. Least he'll fit in.

If you want to try your damnedest by boxing ole' Jason Voorhees, download the commentary right here.

Pulp Commentary - Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

In this special edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys don their cult robes, and grab a butcher's knife, because it's that time of the year again, and they're about to take their most incomprehensible trip to Haddonfield yet! Black magic! Genetic engineering! Paul Rudd! Not the first time these three ingredients have been put together, and this won't be the last! Well, actually, it kind of will be, but in more of a semantical kind of way. Put your Shatner faces on, folks, and ring our door bell, we're inviting you in this Hallow's Eve as we continue our deadly tradition. We're watching: HALLOWEEN 6: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS. Save us, Ant-Man!

Quick! Don't join The Cult of Thorn by downloading the commentary here!

Ep 94 - THE PULP GALLERY

DESCRIPTION: Anthology episode of the podcast designate "Pulp Nightmare", in which the humans relinquish their hosting duties to an artificial arbiter of puzzles and their inevitable solutions. QUESTIONS: What is the terrible, secular secret of "The Devil's Night"? How will one host survive the festive depravity of "The Wicker Schnitzel"? Can an organic lifeform calculate the improbability of "Pool Cue Of The Year"? And what do a shipping crate, norse mythology, and the Phantom of The Opera have to do with "Hot Crackers"?
ANSWER: Step inside the doors of The Pulp Gallery, and find out. AWAITING ENTRANCE TO PULP GALLERY...

Download this Tale Of The Unaccountable here, if you dare, humans.

Pulp Commentary - MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE

In this edition of Pulp Commentary, WE HAVE THE POWERRRR... but not a lot of money. So, half of this commentary takes place on earth, inexplicably. But, utilizing our Casio keyboard to assist Dolph Lundgren as He-Man in battling Frank Langella as Skeletor (a credit that never ceases to be fun to say) we still manage to save the cosmos from evil! So, to Eternia, dear listeners! For we're watching Cannon Films' MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!

Claim the power of Greyskull for your own private use by downloading this commentary here.

Ep 93 - Who Meets The Meatman?

In which the boys kick back and take it easy, discussing life, location, and racism involving ninjas. But their laid back approach is interrupted by a mysterious hooded figure from another dimension whose sole existence subsists of tormenting one man who made the mistake of summoning the evil spirit years prior! It's bloody, it's horrible, and nothing will ever be the same once you encounter the nightmare of the one known only as 'He Who Drops Meat On The Street'. Speaking of demon summonings and the apocalypse!

Download this Tale of The Unaccountable here, if you dare.

Pulp Commentary - Silent Night, Deadly Night

In this edition of Pulp Commentary, it's X-Mas in July! And the boys... you know what, no. We're not even going to do it this time. This movie has taken things too far. Santa Claus has claimed too many lives for these injustices to go on! Kids, don't enable this... this red suited MONSTER to keep annually invading your lives with promises of toys! It's not worth it! Why, you ask? Well, he's a killer! And by that we mean a killer of cinema! Witness, for the first time, a movie so bad that it breaks the mold. The movie that nearly KILLED Pulp Commentary. We're of course talking about the Holiday slasher that somehow spawned five sequels and a remake: Silent Night, Deadly Night. Please, punish it. PUNISH!

To hear a fist hand unfiltered account of what a mixture of bad cinema and jingle bell rockin' terror does to one's mind, download this here and now! But don't say we didn't warn you. Ho. Ho. HO.

Pulp Commentary - The King of Kong: A Fistful Of Quarters

In this edition of Pulp Commentary, we enter a seedy underground world, where the competition is fierce, and those who lose have their lives ripped away from them, drifting into shameful obscurity like embers flaking in wind. A coin slides into a slot, a machine flickers to life, 8-bit sounds jingle in a cacophony of whimsy. An ape stands tall at the top of the screen. But the real enemy for Mr. Steve Wiebe is not the ape. But an evil far more devious, far more cunning. One who will stop at nothing to knock the poor teacher down from the mountain he has spent his life climbing. The bearded menace wrapped in the red, white, and blue; the self proclaimed barbeque GOD, the fuhrer of high scores... Billy Mitchell. He. Must. Be. Stopped. Is The Wiebe the man for the job? Who will be The King of Kong!?

Insert 25 cents here to play and find out.